


Flying Sickness

by kirana



Category: Smallville
Genre: Futurefic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-31
Updated: 2004-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-01 08:43:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/354526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirana/pseuds/kirana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chicken Soup for the Criminal Mastermind</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flying Sickness

## Flying Sickness

by iammiffyneko

<http://www.livejournal.com/users/balinesenoneko/>

* * *

"Lex?" 

"Whad?!" 

Clark grinned; Lex was obviously feeling the effects of his latest trip. "Where are you?" he called out, although he didn't really need to. X-ray vision was useful for more than stopping criminals, after all. Although it was possible he could finagle this use as an extreme application of that, considering it was Lex he was looking for. 

"Go away!" 

Yep, Lex was definitely cranky. True, both of them had drifted apart--although "drifted" was an awfully mild word to use; "screaming fits of bitter anger" tended to fit better--but a friend in need was a friend Clark helped, even if their last meeting had been less than cordial. He winced. Both as himself and Superman. But that was why he was here, wasn't it? It was Superman's fault and the only way he could make it up was as Clark Kent. 

"C'mon, Lex, stop fooling around!" 

"Fug you, Gend!" 

His eyes widened and he coughed, choking on the unexpected laughter. Okay, so he hadn't thought it had been this bad, but . . . . "Gimme a sec and I'll be up, okay?" 

"Fug off!" 

He continued grinning as he made his way into the . . . . Well, kitchen would be to what Lex had as a palace would be to a barn. He hadn't been in this particular one, but, hey, x-ray vision was one superpower the cameras couldn't catch. Well, unless he made a stupid mistake and said something. To further the illusion of hapless humanity for the benefit of the cameras, he opened and closed several cupboards in "search" of bowls, glasses, and the microwave. Once he had what he needed, he frowned at the microwave. Okay, here was one thing superpowers would not help him with. Unless he had some sort of psychic telemetry, but would knowing the past of the microwave really help him? 

"Lex, how do you make your microwave work?" A sullen silence was all the answer he was getting. He muffled another snicker. Ooookay, he could do this. Just because it had more buttons than one of Lex's Doomsday devices didn't mean he couldn't make it work. He took stock. 

Bowl? Check. 

Soup? Check. 

Microwave? Check. 

Instructions? Are for the weak and puny. Check. 

He squinted at the frankly astonishing display and wondered if Lex would be terribly angry if he found out Clark was Superman because he used his heat vision to warm up the soup. Better not to chance it. He pressed what were hopefully the right buttons to heat the soup up but were probably intended for, all things considered, the security system or, knowing Lex, a passcode leading to a secret lab underneath the kitchen for the easy access to the multitude of dangerous chemicals the average kitchen--as if this could ever be considered average. Which didn't really make him feel better to consider what _else_ could be stocked here. Kryptonite enhanced oven spray?--generally stocked. He snuck a peek through the wall just to make sure. Nope, secret passage-less. 

One last button and the microwave starting humming. He turned back with relief to getting the other bowl ready. Once again, criminal masterminds lost to the ruler of the kitchen. Water next. Not too cold, but not too warm. He searched out the bottles of Lex's favourite water and considered the temperature of them. Since they'd been in a cupboard and not the fridge--he looked askance at the large door leading to the walk-in cooler--they should do as they were. Lex would complain, but criminal masterminds who refused to dress properly were stuck being taken care of by their best friends. 

A muffled explosion made him wince. He slowly turned to face the microwave, wincing again at the smoke now rising from it. A peek inside confirmed that the soup was indisputably dead. And cremated. And so was, quite possibly, the microwave. He sighed. Well, Lex would just have to accept that he'd brought the soup over in a thermos. And the microwave had exploded because of, um, something else. Even though there were soup ashes all over the inside of it. Rest in peace, thou brave soup. 

A quick blast of heat and the one remaining bowl was steaming nicely. He looked around. A tray, he needed a tray. And a plate. And bread and butter. Or maybe crackers instead. And, hey, while he was at it, a single rosebud in a small crystal vase. Because that wouldn't be overdoing it at all. 

He found a tray and, of course, a small crystal vase. Everything went on the tray _except_ the vase and he headed for Lex. Who was curled up in a mutinous ball in his bed. Clark grinned. Poor, poor Lex. 

"You enjoy dis far doo muhg, Glarg," the ball under the sheets informed him as he entered the room with nary a knock. 

"If _someone_ would wear proper underwear, then maybe stuff like this wouldn't happen." He shook his head and tsk'd. "You told me you never got sick, Lex." 

"Egscuse me for nod prebiously habing deh woderful egsperience of flying half a mile in deh air in, waid for id, SuperGeeg's arms." A sniff. "Goddamn, Glarg, why didn'd he jusd drop me and be done wid id?" 

"Because he's a superhero, Lex, remember?" Clark said patiently. "Besides, you tried to use a taser on him." 

A groan. Maybe. It may have been a sob. "He _dold_ you dat?" Lex sounded mortified. 

Clark grinned. "Yeah," he said serenely. "And he also passed on the bubble bath comment. He's not impressed that you implied he was an insensitive jerk for not collapsing to the ground and twitching after being hit by your 'pipe lighter'." He set the tray down on the bedside table. "Pipe lighter, Lex? Did you think he wouldn't know what a taser was?" 

"Yeah, well, I'm nod egsacdly impressed wid deh whole flying ding. And I was trying to be sargasdic, dank you bery much." 

"You told me you believed a man could fly." 

"Yes. Wid drugs. Or maybe a near-death egsperience. Nod, you know, liderally _flying_." A bald head emerged slowly from the covers. "Why deh hell does he confide in you, anyway?" Lex groused. "All you eber do is embarrass me aboud id." 

Clark shrugged. "Hey, he's Superman, emphasis on the 'man'," he replied. "I guess everyone needs someone to vent to. Although I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to sink any more islands; he really did a number on my counter the last time." 

Lex sniffed in what was clearly supposed to be a superior manner. "Id was in my way." 

Clark shook his head and leaned over to rug the covers down a bit. "Sit up, I brought some soup for you." 

Lex snatched the covers back. "Nod hungry." 

Clark grabbed them again. "Don't make me make you," he warned. 

Lex smirked. "I know your weagness, Gend," he announced. 

That should be good. "And what would that be?" 

"Lana's in town." 

Clark looked at him uncertainly. "Maybe you missed the memo," he started carefully, "but I kinda stopped crushing on Lana when I figured out I was gay." 

Lex slumped down and sulked. "You ruin all my fun, Glarg," he complained. "Shid, whad do I habe do do do ged you do leabe me alone?" 

"Uh, maybe stop getting into situations where Superman feels he has to take you in? You get a cold every time he flies you somewhere, you know." 

"Dell me someding I don'd know. He _rescues_ me and I sniffle. I predigd I will soon habe a Pablobian reagtion to seeing him and sdard sneezing. I loog forward do id; id will led me save on the dedegtion sysdems dad don'd eben worg anyway." Lex sighed. "I hade being sig," he complained. 

Clark snickered. Yeah, for some reason, top-of-the-line security systems had never kept him out. "Well, are you going to sit up or are you going to force me to drastic measures?" 

Lex sighed and Lex grumbled, but Lex also started shifting, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "Don'd you have a sdory or someding do wride?" 

"Nah," Clark replied as he set about getting Lex as comfortable as possible. "The human interest stuff seems to be taking a day off." 

Lex raised an eyebrow even as he raised his spoon. "Aren'd you supposed do be following your liddle pardner around and keeping her from annoying deh wrong sord of people?" 

Clark raised an eyebrow of her own. "Why?" he asked. "The only stories she has going right now consist of research, research, research. Somehow, I don't think she needs me to protect her from an Evil Papercut of Doom." 

Lex sighed, trying to look patient. Or maybe constipated; he could never quite tell when Lex started getting annoyed with him. "Whad I'm drying do say here is, shouldn'd you be wriding aboud what SuperGeeg did lasd nighd?" 

"And what, leave you to be sick by yourself and miss out on all the death threats? Heaven forbid." 

"Glarg." 

"Lex." 

"Glarg, you're neber going do ged anywhere if you don'd dage your oppordunidies where you find dem." 

"I like where I am." 

"Glarg!" 

"What?!" 

"Dammid, dis is deh sdory of deh year!" 

"Yeah, with no evidence!" 

"SuperGeeg has plendy of ebidence!" 

"Lex, what the hell are you doing? Are you _trying_ to land yourself in jail?" Clark shook his head. "Dammit, Lex, he told me this in the strictest confidence. I _can_ ' _t_ use this for a story." 

"Bud you _should_!" Lex practically wailed. 

"Uh, no useable info, Lex. And I _think_ someone might have a problem with my source if I say it was you, so you can't give me the scoop, either." 

"Glarg . . . ." Lex sighed. "I don'd undersdand you. Ad all." 

"You don't have to understand me, you just have to eat your soup." 

"Glarg, don'd you dink dis is nod deh dime for soup?" 

"I think now's the perfect time for soup." 

"No, id's deh perfecd dime for me do yell ad you! Idoid!" 

"Lex! This _isn_ ' _t_ the perfect time for you to yell at me!" He ran a hand through his hair. "What sort of friend do you think I am? I'm not going to bring this up, not when I don't have any proof and especially not when you're sick. Okay?" 

"Asshole." 

"Yeah. I know. Now eat your damn soup, okay?" He turned away and ran his hand through his hair again. "Jesus." 

For a few minutes, the only sounds where of Lex's laboured breathing and the small slurping sounds he made as he--finally!--ate the soup. 

"I'm sorry." Lex sounded unusually meek. 

"Why? Because you made me mad or because you think I'm like everyone else?" It was a conversation they'd already had many times. 

Lex gave a sharp laugh. "And whad, egsagdly, makes you differend from eberyone else?" 

He wished he could say, "Well, because I'm Superman, you know. Not human?" just to see the look on Lex's face. But then . . . . The order to get out would come and he'd never see Lex again _except_ as Superman and there would be no more "witty" repartee and a lot of stone-cold silence. So, not an option. "I am." 

Lex laughed again. "No, you're nod. You lie do me. Eberyone lies do me. You're friends wid my one major enemy, how deh hell can I drusd you?" 

"Yeah, well, sorry you don't like my friends, Lex," he muttered. "Geez, this is just like in Smallville, you know? Except backwards. My best friend doesn't like that I have a new friend with new and exciting things that make him 'better' than my best friend. He's just a man, Lex. And a friend. And he's the one who sent me here, okay? And, no, I can't tell you who he is or where he is or how he knows what's going down when it goes, because trust is a two-way street. I trust him, he trusts me." He took a breath. "I trust you, Lex." 

"I can dell dad by deh way you always _lie_ do me. Dell me anoder one, I like sdories." 

He turned around and stared coldly at Lex. "And you've never told me a lie in your life. You've never shared something that would so fundamentally change my perception of you it would be like you were someone else entirely. You've never been afraid that by telling me something like that, I'd cut you out of my life _forever_. Go on, Lex, tell _me_ a story." 

Lex snorted, looked away. "Dis is why we neber daded, righd?" 

Way to simplify things. "Yeah, Lex. That's why we never dated." Except he would have, if Lex had just been willing to . . . . To be someone totally different and not mind when he lied. His lovelife _sucked_. 

"Dell Pede I don'd wand do see him again, even if I'm dangling by one hand over a boddomless abyss." 

"Jesus, Lex!" He half-choked on a laugh. "Pete's not Superman! Have you ever _looked_ at him? Damn, _I_ ' _d_ kill to have a body like that, what d'you think _Pete_ would do?" 

Lex shrugged. "How would I know?" He sniffed. " _He's_ the self-righdeous liddle alien." 

Clark laughed. "Eat your soup and get some rest. I'll check in on you tomorrow, the life of a reporter permitting." 

* * *

The next morning, Clark got to work to find a neat package waiting for him on his desk. A curious x-ray examination revealed nothing more damning than a few CDs and a note. He squinted. A note in both Kryptonian and English? He sighed. 

"Staring at it won't tell you what's inside, Smallville. You have to actually _open_ it." 

He rolled his eyes and picked up their shared phone. "Yeah, yeah, Lois, whatever you say." He punched in Lex's number. It rang three times before it was picked up. "Get back in bed or I'll be forced to feed you my own special recipe." 

"Won'd you be a bid busy doday, Glarg?" He could swear Lex was smirking. 

"Yeah, meant to tell you something. Superman? Doesn't use a courier service. I'll see you at ten." And he hung up on Lex's sputters. 

"Well?" Lois was looking uncommonly eager. "Spill, Smallville!" 

Clark gave her one of his disarmingly rueful grins and held up the package. "Practical joke as a distraction," he explained. "My best friend's sick and he doesn't want me hovering over him." 

Lois looked him up and down slowly. "Don't know why not," she drawled. "Hover over my bedside any time you want." 

He choked on his laugh. "Lois!" 

She pushed off the desk. "Get going, Smallville, before your friend comes up with another distraction." 


End file.
